Soul Collage #8: My Darkness
Collaged July 8, 2020
Read August 7, 2020
This is going to get a little dark. As I sit here ABOUT to write this, my heart hurts. 29 days after I created this card, I feel likeI can finally read from it -- each each of the four characters presented.
I created this card immediately after having one of the most unsatisfactory "friendship resolution" conversations of my life with a very close friend and assumed business partner. I feel like I have been having these types of conversations with close friends routinely throughout my life -- the "friendship resolution" conversation. This is the conversation that two feuding friends have to "save their friendship".
I wanted it to work out. Perhaps, I wanted too much. I was attached to the concept that maybe this is the friend I have been waiting for... someone who thinks like me and wants what I want... someone else's family that I can love and care for as she does mine. I wanted it. Like a fool, I fell for it.
The truth is, no one will ever really understand why I felt the way I felt about her that day or the next few weeks to come -- but I can emphasis that I felt it. After making this card... after sweating through a pseudo attempt at being amicable in her backyard... I had a feeling that things were not going to get better. That whatever we just did here today to "resolve our friendship" felt confusing and empty. It felt over while agreeing to pretend it wasn't.
Well. I don't pretend.
I had selected reams of magazine clippings a week prior while at my Soul Collage facilitator, Karen Wilder's, studio, brought them home and separated them into themed piles to create Soul Collage cards at a later that day/week. I worked on almost every other pile, making card after card, and avoided this pile. Until... the "friendship resolution" conversation happened. Then, I was called to immediately make this card.
I will read from this card from the four main characters presented: 1. The Female Puppet 2. The Mosquito 3. The Butterfly 4. The Giant Devil
THE FEMALE PUPPET
I am the puppet. I enjoy being on stage and entertaining people but I hate feeling trapped, tied down and unable to do what I want to do. I do enjoy the sweet costumes. I've never had costumes like these! Hats have always been hard to come by or too expensive... but this one it mine! I got it for being in the show.
I like how I look in these costumes! Like a ring leader! Everyone adores the Ring Leader! I want too be a Ring Leader! I'll do anything to feel accepted, loved, and adored! I am sad, however, because after every show, after every amazing performance with crowd after crowd of standing ovations, it is never enough. I hear them. I see them. I feel moved in the moment... but then the moment vanishes and I have to start all over again for tomorrow's show. New or returning patrons, it doesn't matter... the seats must be filled or I cannot begin my act. If I cannot begin my act, then I cannot make today's attempt at success. Ugh... what a lose/lose situation.
On the surface, I am a performer. Underneath, I struggle to know what is real.
I've been waiting for you to read from my perspective. You've been avoiding me because you know what it is that I do... I'm the one who attaches to you and feeds off you of your gifts -- that creativity that comes to you from the heavens. People like you keep people like me alive because you just let us do it. All I have to do is convince you to accept my homemade ointment that soothes your sores... then you will hand over the keys to your mind. That's how easy you are.
You're an easy target, too! You've already went ahead and tied yourself up! You can't move too far. I don't have a drop of empathy to help you escape, you're feeding me the blood from the heavens. The divine creation runs through your veins and tastes sweetest of all. It improves the fibers in my wings and sharpens my sight and instincts. Why would I ever set you free? Why would I ever leave?
I am the butterfly and I have chosen you out of many other lost souls who have managed to go and tie themselves up. I chose you because I have seen the things that you have done and know it is my purpose to help you here and now. I cannot set you free but I can focus your mind away from the darkness. Look at me. Stare at me. Hold yourself here locked in my eyes. Connect with me as I offer you strength to withstand these tough moments.
The truth is, once you can untie yourself, I will fly away. You will never see me after my purpose here is fulfilled as I have many other lost souls to save. And I only would have told you this after you no longer needed my strength.
THE GIANT DEVEL
I am the idea of success. I am the pursuit of independence. I am the resilience, the perseverance and the unrelenting stance of getting what I want. What I want is a stationary success machine that I can control. What better vessel than this damaged female with an ultimate desire for connection and attention. You are the type of success machine that will produce and produce and produce in a controlled and misunderstood environment. The trick is as long as you allow me to convince you that happiness is just on the other side of each show... I would have easily created a success machine that will do circles throughout her own ignorance.
Part of controlling the ultimate success machine is that it doesn't become your competition. If I don't put this girl to work for me, she will work against me. If she knew of this, she would crush me. I don't want to be crushed. I want to create a success machine.
I found you already tied up with all sorts of bugs flying around you. I knew what was happening to you, I see people like you all the time. You're a gold mine for people like me because you're vulnerable to be controlled. No on is protecting you from anything out here, not even me. So I settle in, finding the ways in which you are most weak and planting seeds of control. It doesn't take long until I can get you up and running for success. I collect my success machines! You're number 333.