Soul Collage 11: “Takes One to Know One”
(previously titled “Know Your Worth”)
Created on July 28, 2020
SoulCollage® is a method of self-discovery through the creation and intuitive analysis of a deck of collaged cards. The process is guided by a Soul Collage Facilitator and includes aimlessly searching through magazine clippings and keeping what "jumps out at you", eventually creating a story with intuitively chosen visuals. Then, you read FROM or AS the card, not from yourself or the perspective you had while creating the card. This is where the information revealed comes from deep, deep within a subconscious.
I will read this card from two perspectives, imagining that I am both energies created within this Soul Collage.
It was difficult creating this card. While sorting through magazine clippings, I couldn't make out anything I was feeling. I felt numb and have been feeling numb for a few days. So the card felt forced in the beginning... but it eventually created itself.
I created this card several days after feeling betrayed, abandoned, and forgotten by someone I considered to be a very close friend: a major trigger for me as this type of event has happened many times in my life. Did I create all of these events? Did I do this to myself? Who did I think I was when I created the Soul Collage? Who am I really in this Soul Collage?
I am both.
FROM THE BIRD’s PERSPECTIVE:
I am the bird, fueling my wings with the courage to escape knowing that I might get caught or caught up. I try to escape anyway. I will try every time despite knowing of the chance of failure. I try every time because I know that I am a bird, that I’m quick and that I can fly. I believe in my abilities and I move with confidence. I am not afraid to leave a situation that no longer serves me because my happiness is my main concern. If I am not happy, I cannot share my singing with the world. So I fly away to a new place where I can thrive.
FROM THE MASKED WOMAN’s PERSPECTIVE
I am the almighty being with the ability to crush anyone whom I don’t like because I am bigger. I am flashy and put on a good show for my sheeple - and they eat it up like Sundaes. My sheeple fuel who I am by giving me power over them. I live for it! I would die without the ignorance of my sheeple… if they knew who I was… they would surely challenge me. So I wear a mask to hide my dark secrets written all over my face. My sheeple coat me in gold love as they blindly praise me for being what they feel is “wise” and “self-less”. I am generous because I am very knowledgeable on how to attract and gain sheeple… I know what they want because I want them. I want this little bird, this runaway sheeple, to stay. This little bird has seen behind the mask and found out all of my secrets and now wants to escape. Escape to where? This is where I need you! To serve me! To fill MY cup! So that I might feel whole.
And there it is:
Yes, I am not whole. I am fragments of myself broken under the pressure of my past experiences haphazardly glued together for all of my surface-level appearances. Under this mask, I am ugly - not physically but mentally, emotionally, and yes, even spiritually. I hide because I do not like seeing how ugly I am and I need to maintain confidence in order to attract and puppet my sheeple. My greatest fear is my sheeple knowing the truth because they will surely leave me in the darkness because I am not worthy of their love. So I steal it: I conjure up practiced eloquent fairytale language that will mystify anyone talking to me as to not notice that I am haphazardly put together.
I ache for belonging. I ache to be myself. I ache to be the bird. But I am not the bird nor can I ever become the bird. I am me and all of my broken pieces that yearn for validation, understanding, and a ground to stand upon. Many years of being denied what I crave has left me bitter, resentful, and angry… eloquent, alluring, and irresistible like a Venus Fly Trap. I am filling the hole with the dreams of others… and when they find out my intentions, they fly away from me to protect themselves. In those moments of their escape, I attempt to make their escape unpleasant even if eventually successful because no one runs away from me. And then I am alone again. Alone in my darkness. I am so sad. I cry. I sob. I scream. I find strength, but not in my goodness, but in the promise of revenge.
My revenge dream goes like this: they will be sorry. They will see how wonderful I am but they will not have any access to it. They will know of the fun I have and give out freely - but no longer available to them. They have been outcast from my light. I visualize them sitting in resentment with fake interest and silent but overwhelming disgust for me or themselves. Good. Stew in your misery. I will be everywhere to them and I will block them from my mind. I will not allow them access to hurting me and I will forget they exist. At least… I will pretend that I have forgotten them when the truth is I will obsess over them… visualize their suffering… with my revenge over them. And then “my revenge” turns into a knife that I stab myself with over and over again - the knife of remorse, the knife of empathy, the knife of sadness. The truth also is that I don’t want to be this person anymore - in this controlled villainy … I want to be the bird and fly away. I want to leave this tortured soul behind, this mask, this facade of pretending “to be the best” or even pretending to “be okay.” I am not okay. I still might be the best or “be skilled” in someone else’s eyes… but I have never been the best in my own eyes and that makes me feel sadness for myself... and empty inside.
If I could step outside of my body and just hold this poor suffering child and tell her that she is not alone… that I have been with her through every experience -- good and bad. That she doesn’t have to cry by herself and feel forgotten… that I am here and will always be here unconditionally.... perhaps then she wouldn’t be so motivated to destroy. I want to tell her that she possess a set of gifts that make her special and very much needed in this world. I want to look in her eyes and tell her until she hears me. Until she hears me how strong she is for having come so far after feeling so much... until she understands how she doesn't get her strength from manipulating others or even other people in general... she has a direct access to the heavens and can pull into creation anything that she visualizes. She has the POWER to manifest. She is a creator and she is the bird. She can fly away.